About Me

My name is Kelli and I am a 27 year old stay at home mom to my four little ones. My oldest are twins, Caden (boy) and Avery (girl), who are 5 1/2 years old. Next is Sienna, whom we call CeCe, and she is 4 1/2 years old, and last we have baby Adele, who as of this writing is 10 months old. I am married to my best friend, Carl, who is the best partner I could ask for in parenting such a loud, rambunctious bunch.

Our twins were born very prematurely, at only 27 weeks gestation, and it started out my life as a mama with a bang. I had a hospital birth, with a forced epidural, and it was a quick and fairly traumatic labor and birth. We had little time to research anything about parenting, and with little prior experience with babies, we quickly succumbed to the baby-training views of those around us, all the while feeling that there had to be a better way.

The craziness of those early years as parents prompted us to look for ways that helped slow life down. We began shifting towards a more crunchy, AP style of parenting. I wore the babies more. Scheduled our lives less. To counter-balance the chaos, we searched for simplicity.

Now that are older three are 4 and 5 years old, we have a new little one. Adele was born at home, and her birth was one of the most special, amazing days of my life. Not just because I met my beautiful baby girl, but because her homebirth was everything I dreamed of, everything that I wanted from childbirth.

Over the last (almost) 6 years of being a mama, I have come to be passionate about breastfeeding (for as long as it works for mama and baby), babywearing, co-sleeping/bed-sharing, cloth diapering, and gentle parenting, amongst other things. We are a pretty basic attachment parenting household and we love it that way.

I feel so blessed to be a part of such a fantastic group of mama's here at The Mommy Dialogues!

Kelli

DIY baby moccasins

I saw a picture on Pinterest not too long ago of the most adorable baby moccasins, so I gave it a shot, with a few tweaks. Here is how it went:

My materials list:

Leather (I used kid doeskin - you want something soft)
Scrap fabric
Embroidery floss
Upholstery thread
Leather needle (for sewing machine)
Leather needle (for hand stitching)
Scissors
Pattern (I got mine here)
Spray adhesive
Pliers (or even better - a leather punch)
If you'd rather use pleather, or even two different types of fabric, go for it!

The first thing I did was cut out all the pieces of leather and fabric that I needed, using the pattern. I cut fabric for the lining, but I didn't line the top of the moccasin - I wanted to flip out the "fringe" later.

The next step was to adhere my lining to the leather. If you did this with fabric, you would use fusible interfacing, but I thought that ironing leather might be a bad idea, so I took the easier route and sprayed the leather with adhesive and then stuck the fabric right on it. It worked like a charm and three hours later I was ready for the next step.

Using my machine, I sewed the sides of the moccasins together at the toe. Piece of cake. Then I had to sew the sole of the moc to the sides. Not so easy. It's actually kind of impossible to pin leather using the wimpy pins I had, so I'd suggest using binder clips or something to held your pieces together as you sew. Another tip: sew slowly if you are using leather. It's a lot of work for that wimpy upholstery thread and you have fewer breaks if you go slow.

Next I ran a seam across the top piece of the moccasin, to create the flipped out part that I then cut into fringe. How can you have mocs without fringe?!

Then, the time consuming part: hand stitching the top to the sides. This is where it would be beneficial to have a leather punch. However, leather punches are expensive and I wanted to make these mocs NOW, so I opted to push a sharp leather needle through the layers of fabric and leather, then pull it through using a pair of pliers. Like I said, time-consuming, but the effect was pretty adorable if I do say so myself.

Now you go give it a try!

Adoption isnt always happiness and light

When I was a pregnant 17 year old and made the choice (even though it was a forced and coerced choice) to give my son up for adoption the impact of this choice was not yet fully realized. Even as i signed those papers, giving up my rights to my child I couldnt see the forest through the trees. I didnt have anyone telling me how hard it would be. No one to tell me that the grief and regret that I would feel at times would be all consuming. That birthday's and holidays would come with happiness, but also with an immense sadness that presses down on my soul. That for every day that I have that is wonderful and full of promise that there would be equally as many where darkness and grief would be all I know. Yet through all of this, there is a boy out there...who looks like me and is part of me. Who loves, and laughs and makes this world just a little better because he is in it and who one day...hopefully will know ME. Not just as his birth mom, but as someone who has loved him his whole life. Who has wished and dreamed about the things I want for his life and who wants nothing more then to hear the words "I love you too" echoed from his mouth.

My life hasnt been happiness and roses and unicorns poop rainbows. Looking from the outside in it appeared I had a wonderful life. That I was LUCKY to be adopted by my mom and dad. And I WAS and am lucky to have my father. He has his faults as all parents do, but he loves me unconditionally and I am without a doubt his daughter and I have never questioned his love for me.

My mothers love was conditional....conditions that I rarely ever met. I cant remember a time when I felt my mother loved me as her daughter. When my little brother was born...her biological child, that was it. If she could have gone back 14 years in that moment and not adopted me she would have. She certainly choose to forget about me and pretend I didn't exist after that point, and acted like I was a giant inconvenience and a pay check before that. She made it very clear how she felt at her funeral where I wasnt even mentioned and it was like I had never existed. That the 400 people who were there didnt even know she HAD a daughter let alone 5 grandchildren. My dad used to think I was exaggerating...until he saw with his own eyes the way it was. My mother was sick...mentally sick. She wasnt normal, because normal people dont do that. I used to blame myself for along time. Wondering what I did, why she loved my brother as her child and not me, why she didnt care what happened to me, or about me or even want to know me. I used to believe it was something I did when really it was nothing I did. I deserved a mom. I still deserve that. She didnt deserve to have me as her daughter. She didnt deserve to have 5 amazing grandchildren and she certainly doesnt deserve the tears that I will never again shed because of her.

-The Squished Hippie

On my feet

I open the door to the car, get in and just sit. I am so apprehensive about this retreat and what it will hold for me. This will be the first time that I've openly talked about the event that has changed my life forever and have people actually get it. Giving up my son for adoption. Driving down the toll way into Chicago, tears start streaming down my face. I know this weekend is going to change my life, but the pain it's going to take to get there wasn't something I was looking forward to.

I arrive at the beach house and put my stuff down in my room and head upstairs...my stomach in knots. I pick up my information packet and journal and read our schedule. First on the list is the opening ceremony and then....our stories. The part I was dreading the most. After the ceremony and after each women before me had done...it was my turn. I take a big breathe and cry my way through my story...and look around at all the other amazing women who are crying right along with me as i had done for each of them. I saw so much of their stories in my own...i heard the same pain in their voice and the same tears streaming down their face. I was home.

I went to bed with a sense of peace. Knowing that tomorrow would be hard, but also knowing that I had people to share it with. We discussed adoption language and parallels between the birth moms and the adoptive parents...we laughed, we cried, we shared and we loved. The more time I spent with these amazing group of women the more accepted I felt. A feeling which i havnt felt in a really long time. Crying felt good, letting go and just weeping was so freeing. I want to be so strong for my kids, I dont ever want them to know the grief that I live with and so I put on my brave mommy face. I dont cry, even when its the only thing I want to do and instead I smile. Being able to let go was freeing.

The last day was bittersweet. I was excited to go home and see my kids and be with my husband but was sad to leave the safety of my birth mom bubble. The closing ceremony was emotional for everyone. We all cried. Hearing all the wonderful things they all think about me was empowering. Things no one has ever told me. Things i dont believe right now, but hope to believe in the future. I read my empowerment poster everyday and try to convince myself that I am a fighter, and brave and selfless. That I'm stronger then I know and that I'm fearless.

I cant say that my views on the adoption have changed. That I have seen the light and am now ok with it and happy with my choice. I dont know if I will ever be ok with the adoption. For now though, having people who "get it" is enough and has done more for me then I could have ever thought possible. I never realized how lonely and alone I felt until I met my sisters at the On Your Feet Foundation Retreat. Thank you Vicki, Cher and Jenn for OYFF and to my sister birth moms. You have all changed my life.

-The Squished Hippie

My Son Wears A Cape

When we run errands, my son Jax can tell you the name of every hospital he sees. He can tell you why he went there & what the Dr's did. He can tell you what he ate while he was there. He took his first ambulance ride Thanksgiving of 2008 at 3 months old for labored breathing. His first hospital admit was just a few months later. Jax is 3 years old and has Cystic Fibrosis. To him, his life of Dr's, medicines, hospital stays, & x-ray's is very normal. To us, it's grown to be semi-normal. I don't think I will ever get totally used to it, though. I still cry when he gets his blood drawn. I have to step out of the room if it gets too bad. Hospital couches will never be comfortable enough to sleep on. My heart still drops when I hear him cough more than once a day.

There is no cure for CF. The life expectancy for a CF'er right now is mid-30's. With the help of modern medicine, it's possible that could jump another 10 years or more soon. Cystic Fibrosis is a genetic disease of the lungs & digestive system. It is not uncommon for some with CF to have to undergo a lung transplant while in their 20's. Jax has to take enzymes whenever he eats so that his body can digest his food. He is on a high-calorie diet so he can gain as much weight as possible. He does breathing treatments and vest treatments for the mucus in his lungs when needed. He does all of this without batting an eye.

He doesn't know he has CF yet. That is a talk we will have with him once he can comprehend the importance of it all. All he knows is when he is sick, he needs to go to the hospital. He tells us when he thinks he needs to go. "I need an IV now" he will tell us. Deep down it crushes me. I cry when he isn't looking. I hold my breath when he gets weighed at the Dr. Jax having this disease has changed my husband & I. We grow closer to each other when he is sick, clinging to each other for support. I have grown closer to God, as well. Knowing that we were trustworthy enough in God's eyes to be responsible for him is a honor.

I do not know what the future holds for Jax. I pray that he stays strong. During surgery for a hernia he had during the summer, the surgeon found he has congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens. Meaning, he will be unable to father children because the tubes that carry sperm are blocked by mucus & do not develop properly. It saddened me to think that in the future, Jax might have trouble having children of his own. It just felt like another obstacle he would have in his way. The less pain he has in his life, the easier life might be for him. We are doing everything possible to make his life as easy as possible. There might be a day where easy might be unattainable for him.

Jax bounces back fast. He has more energy than any kid I've seen. He is always in good spirits. His Dr's are in awe of how well he is doing. My husband & I have committed our lives to helping him fight this. He leads the way, though, & we follow behind. A small framed, 31 lb boy is who I look up to.